


Headfirst Into the Abyss

by old_starlit



Series: The Prodigies of King's College [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crushes, Demiromantic Thomas Jefferson, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, hinted - Freeform, mentioned alex/john
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:12:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9401159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/old_starlit/pseuds/old_starlit
Summary: “So spill,” Angelica said as they walked out. “What’s up? And I know this isn’t just a hangover.”Thomas looked around quickly to make sure no one (read:Hamilton) was listening to them. “So, um,” he said. “Is it possible to have, like, a friend crush? A crush that’s completely platonic on your friend?” Because he didn’t like James, not in that way, nope,had absolutely zero feelings for him whatsoever.—Or, Thomas Jefferson had always been pretty confident in his sexuality, but then James Madison just had to ruin all of that





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of a series, but as all of the works in there are loosely related, you don't need to read the rest of the series. However, it does provide some alex/john backstory if you're a lams shipper and interested in that.

So here’s the thing: Thomas Jefferson did not have crushes. Sure, he could pick up a girl at the bar and walk away from a one night stand head held high but make a fool out of himself over a crush? No.

Sure, he dated Sally Hemings for some time before she broke his heart and he fell badly for Angelica (to the point he sprained his wrist trying to impress her—don’t ask) until she rejected him, but those were rare cases.

He was also pretty sure he was straight. Well, kind of. He did find guys attractive, but...he was still pretty straight. He just found them _aesthetically pleasing_. That’s how it worked, right?

_You could be like me_ , Lafayette had suggested when he confessed his conflicting feelings. _Pansexual. Or maybe you’re bi._

_That sort of makes sense_ , he had replied. _But I have to be straight. That sort of stuff...that’s not real, right?_

That wasn’t the right thing to say, because Lafayette had then given him a look and walked away.

Okay, so maybe he wasn’t straight. But he _had_ to be heterosexual or whatever they called it because actual feelings for another guy was unnatural. Right? _Right_?

Well, all that went down the drain today.

* * *

Thomas walked into class, strutting over to his seat as if he owned the place. He sat next to James, as he always did, and threw a glare at Alex who was talking to his boyfriend, John. He had become increasingly more annoying since he had started dating John, bringing up the fact that John was _his_ boyfriend and that _yes_ they were together and that he was the _very best_ boyfriend in the world in every conversation.

Lafayette caught his eye and smiled at Thomas, who couldn’t help but smile back. Lafayette was friends with everyone--he had that effect on people.

“You know,” James said, following his gaze. “Alex wrote fifty one essays when we were all supposed to divide twenty five essays between the three of us.”

“Overachiever,” Thomas muttered, deciding not to ask how the heck they were planning dividing twenty-five essays evenly among three. “Wait..how many did _you_ write?”

` James coughed, which was either from his cold or meant he was embarrassed. “Twenty-nine,” he admitted.

“Twenty-nine?” he repeated. “That’s no better!”

“Hey,” James said defensively. “It was better than Jay! He wrote only five.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Yeah, ‘cause he was ‘sick’. You’re sick, like, 24/7 and that doesn’t slow you down. That’s pretty amazing.”

James shrugged as if that was normal and Thomas kind of wanted to shake him and scream: _How do you do it? How are you stronger and smarter than all of us combined?_ But he didn’t. 

The teacher walked in, George King III, dubbed King George mockingly by his students. Thomas was fairly sure everyone hated him, except for maybe that Seabury guy and that group of kids who called themselves ‘the redcoats’ as if that made them cool. (It didn’t).

“This guy,” Thomas sighed. “I can't take in a word he says.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly, knowing he should _not_ have gone to that party last night.

“I can take notes for you,” James offered. 

“I can’t let you do that,” Thomas protested. 

“It’s fine,” James said with a shrug. “You took covered me when I was sick, remember? It's only fair.”

“I didn't do it because I wanted something in return,” Thomas muttered. “I did it for _you_.”

James must have missed that, because he kept looking at Thomas so expectantly, like he knew what he said was only logical.

Thomas sighed. “Okay. But just this once.”

James nodded, and began to take notes for Thomas, who sighed. Now not paying attention at all, he watched as James scribbled down notes and wondered if this was always how their dynamic was. James doing everything for Thomas and Thomas doing nothing in return.

“You’re staring,” Aaron Burr noted, from his seat next to Thomas. While Lafayette was friends with everyone, Burr was practically friends with no one. 

“I am _not_ staring,” Thomas defended himself. “I just feel bad. I never do anything for James.”

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “Since when do _you_ feel bad?”

Thomas looked at him cryptically. Had Burr always been this cynical? He couldn’t really remember. “I’m a fully functional human with feelings, thank you very much,” he spat back.

“Feelings for James, more like,” Aaron muttered, before returning to his notes.

Thomas stared at him for a minute, open-mouthed, before shifting his gaze to James, then down to his desk.

He didn’t... _like_ James, did he? He was just a friend. A really kind, nice, attractive friend, sure, but a _friend_ , who he had super platonic feelings for, who he most _definitely_ would not mind kissing.

Thomas sighed, rubbing his eyes. This was going to give him a headache for the rest of the day, wasn’t it.

Angelica Schuyler caught his eye from across the room and raised her eyebrows at him questioningly. He mouthed, _I’ll tell you later_ , and she nodded, before turning back to the lecture.

Other than Lafayette and James, Angelica was another of his closest friends. He did have a crush on her, but after he asked her out, she checked up on him (partly to make sure his wrist wasn’t too badly broken) and they started to talk, and they became good friends and he was glad he didn’t just forget about her after he got over his crush.

Once class was over, he turned to James and thanked him profusely for taking notes (James just rolled his eyes and gave him the papers) and he sprinted over to the door to catch Angelica on her way out.

“So spill,” Angelica said as they walked out. “What’s up? And I know this isn’t just a hangover.”

Thomas looked around quickly to make sure no one (read:Hamilton) was listening to them. “So, um,” he said. “Is it possible to have, like, a friend crush? A crush that’s completely platonic on your friend?” Because he didn’t like James, not in that way, nope, _had absolutely zero feelings for him whatsoever._

“You can be in a queerplatonic relationship with someone,” Angelica replied. “Which you would know if you paid attention to our GSA meetings,” she added, looking pointedly at him. Thomas attended the meetings, but all he ever did was go on his phone or make snide remarks at whatever was said. If they weren’t so close, he was certain that Angelica would kick him out of the club.

“Well, I know what that is,” Thomas shot back. “I’m talking about having romantic feelings for a friend, like a crush, you know? But it’s platonic. ‘Cause you’re friends and you don’t have feelings for them.”

Angelica was looking at him like he was crazy. “Thomas, you’re not making any sense,” she said. “What are you--Oh.” Her expression cleared. “ _Oh_. This is James, isn’t it?” She grinned.

Thomas flushed despite himself. “What? No! I’m asking for a friend!”

“You have no friends, Thomas,” Angelica reminded him. Thomas opened his mouth to protest, but she talked over him. “And, besides, I was waiting for you to talk to me about James in _forever_. About time you realized you had feelings for him.”

“Feelings for him!” Thomas squeaked. “I don’t have feelings for him! It’s a friend crush. Like, I find him attractive and probably wouldn’t mind dating him but only because he’s my _friend_.”

Angelica just gave him a pitying sort of look and walked away. “Figure it out, Thomas,” she called over her shoulder. 

* * *

Maybe avoiding James all day wasn’t the smartest way to _figure it out_ , Thomas realized, staring down at his phone with six new messages and one missed call.

**James **: _want to meet up to go to polisci?_****

**James** : _Thomas? You didn’t show up for class. Want me to go back to the dorm?_

 **James** : _Please respond_

 **James** : _Are you ok?_

One missed call from James Madison

 **James** : _It’s been thirty minutes since my last message_

 **James** : _Is something wrong?_

Thomas sucked in a breath, knowing very well it’d be worse to just ignore him. He shot off a quick text message.

____

**Thomas:** _Im fine. Just didnt feel good_

__There was an immediate response._ _

**James:** _Should I do anything? Can I get you something? Where are you?_

__

__**Thomas: __** _Im fine. Im at a coffee shop with laf. You go to your class. I think I need to be alone___

__

**James: __**Ok. Call me if you need anything

_____ _

Thomas: _Will do. Thanks_

____

Thomas sighed, not exactly grasping how James could be quite so _nice_. And, well, yes, it _did_ benefit him most of the time, now he only felt crushing guilt for neglecting him.

____

“I’m a terrible friend,” he moaned, clunking his head on the table. Papers drifted down on the table he was studying on.

____

Lafayette poked his head of curls. They were studying together, something they did often. “Are you okay?” Lafayette asked. “You seem kind of...out of it.”

____

Before Thomas could protest, he grabbed his phone and began looking through the messages.

____

“Texting James, I see,” he said. “And you ‘need to be alone’, you say?” He raised his eyebrows at Thomas. “‘Don’t feel good?’ Is everything alright?”

____

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” Thomas muttered, snatching his phone back. “It’s just, um, friend problems.” There was a silence, before he said, “Can you get a friend crush?”

____

“Oh, Thomas, _mon cher_ ,” Lafayette said airily. “You don’t need to be ashamed of your feelings with James!”

____

“I--what?” Thomas spluttered. “I don’t have feelings for him! I never said that! You and Angelica, I _swear_ \--”

____

“Angelica agrees with me?” Lafayette asked, leaning forward and grinning. “You can’t keep denying your feelings, Thomas.”

____

“I am not gay, or bi, or pan, or whatever the hell people call themselves,” Thomas hissed. “It’s _not real_. That’s _not real_. It doesn’t exist!” He regretted his words as soon as he said them, knowing how much he hurted Lafayette when he said those things, but Lafayette didn’t seem mad at all.

____

“You know that’s not true,” Lafayette said, and he was speaking gently now, eyes pleading with Thomas for him to understand. “All the time you’ve spent at Columbia, around the GSA...you know that’s not real, no matter what your parents tell you. You know.”

____

Thomas dragged a hand across his face. “I know,” he whispered. ‘I know it’s not true. I just thought that maybe, just _maybe_ , if I could fool myself into thinking that...that what I feel for him isn’t real either.”

____

“It’s okay to be scared,” Lafayette said patiently. “It took me a while to accept myself. It took John even longer. But, um, hey, I’m here for you, okay? You can talk to me.”

____

“Thanks,” Thomas said shakily. “That was...unexpectedly emotional.” His mind was bubbling with thoughts, with _what ifs_ and _if thens_ , but he forced them down. “I don’t even know if James _likes_ guys.”

____

“Oh, James is bi,” Lafayette said offhandedly and Thomas jumped, spilling his coffee down his shirt, pants, and hands.

____

“ _What_?” 

____

Lafayette looked at him pitifully. “Napkin?” he offered.

____

* * *

In the next GSA, Thomas slinked to the back of the classroom, settling in a seat besides James. He attracted some glances, which was to be expected. He hardly slept that night, so his hair was a mess, full of tangles and frizz, and he hadn’t bothered to put in his contacts, so glasses perched crookedly on his nose.

____

“Hey,” he said to James.

____

“Hi,” James said. “Did you sleep well last night.”

____

“No,” Thomas answered obviously. “Do I look that bad?”

____

James shook his head. “I like the glasses,” he said with a small smile. “And your hair’s not that messy.” He reached over and tugged one of Thomas’s curls. Thomas batted his hand away but he was smiling. James was probably the only one he was okay with touching his hair.

____

Glancing around to see that no one was listening---the meeting hadn’t started yet, so people were just quietly talking--he muttered, “I didn’t know you were bi.”

____

“Biromantic asexual, actually,” James said offhandedly, before he seemed to have realized _who_ exactly he was talking to and said, “Thomas! How do you know that?”

____

“Lafayette told me,” Thomas replied. “But you didn’t.” 

____

James was watching him, almost fearfully. “I was, um, worried about how you would respond.”

____

Thomas felt his heart skip a beat at the fact that James, his best friend, was _terrified_ of him. Scared that his sexuality would be used against him. Scared that he, _Thomas_ , would hurt him.

____

“James,” Thomas said, resting a hand on James’s shoulder. “I don’t care who you like. I don’t care what your sexuality is. I just--” He swallowed. “I just don’t want you to feel that you’re unsafe with me.” His fingers twitched, and on an impulse he took James’s hand. “I just want you to know you can talk to me.”

____

James stared down at their joined hands and smiled (and Thomas’s already skipping heart tripped over itself and fell into his stomach). “Thanks, Thomas,” he said, and the sincerity of it warmed Thomas. “And, hey, you can tell me anything too.”

____

Thomas dropped their hands, drawing back into himself, missing the disappointed look on James’s face. “I--yeah. Anything.”

____

Well. 

____

Maybe not _anything_.

____

* * *

By the time the GSA was over, Thomas was fairly certain everyone was staring at him strangely and whispering things about him to one another. Even Alex was shooting looks at him while he did his speech on heteronormativity.

____

It was probably, Thomas decided, because for once in his life, he had shut up during a GSA meeting and _listened_. 

____

And, admittedly, it was pretty fascinating.

____

“You actually listened today,” James said as they walked out of the classroom. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine!” Thomas protested. “I can actually listen to things! It was really interesting what Alex said!”

____

James nearly tripped in surprise. “What Alex said was _interesting_? Since when was Alex _interesting_?”

Thomas frowned out him. “Don’t let him hear you,” he said. “The guy’s head is big enough.”

____

James gave a small laugh. “True,” he agreed. “What do you want to do now? I was about to grab some coffee. Want to come?”

____

“I, um,” Thomas stepped back. “I have to do some...stuff,” he said lamely. “I’ll catch up to you later.’

____

James nodded, looking a little hurt (which wasn’t at all Thomas’s intention) and said, “Well...okay. See you then.” He walked off and Thomas sighed, knowing that he wasn’t helping his friend at all.

____

Ignoring his churning stomach, he whipped out his phone, sending a quick text to Lafayette.

____

**Thomas:** _know where alex is?_

____

**Lafayette: __**_im not going to be responsible for another fight_

__

**Thomas: __**_i need to ask him something. trust me_

**Lafayette: __**_ok. Hes at the library_

**Lafayette: __**_you better not get into another fight or im telling angie_

Thomas slipped his phone back into his pocket, heading towards the library. While he hated, no, _despised_ Hamilton, he needed his help.

Thomas curled his lip. The very thought of needing help from Alex made him want to vomit, but he was very confused in his sexuality and _he just needed help_.

Walking into the library, he scanned the tables for Alex, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw him alone. He didn’t want any of Alex’s friends around or, god forbid, John Laurens, who Alex generally opted to make out with rather than study.

He walked towards him and tapped him on the shoulder. Alex didn’t even notice, staring so intently at a book it was a wonder his eyes didn’t burn a hole in it.

Thomas cleared his throat loudly. Alex still didn’t react. “Hamilton!” he barked and Alex jumped, whirling around. As soon as he caught sight of Thomas, his fists clenched, shoulders raising, eyes darkening. Thomas liked how he had that effect on him.

“Jefferson,” Alex spat. “What do you want?”

“I need your help, actually,” Thomas said, yanking out the chair next to him and sitting down.

Alex’s expression shifted immediately, raising an eyebrow and looking at Thomas with a cocky smile. “Oh _really_?” he said, smirking. “Thomas Jefferson needs _my_ help?”

“Shut it, Hamilton,” Thomas snapped. “Or I’ll publish your open letter to John Adams.”

“You have that?” Alex said, horrified.

Thomas nodded sagely. “The only reason why I haven’t gotten you kicked out of the class yet is because I’m nice.”

Alex raised his hands. “Okay, okay,” he said. “What do you need help with?”

Thomas hesitated. He didn’t trust Alex, not in the least, with what he was going to tell him. But on the other hand...Alex was a co-founder of the GSA and was always welcoming to those in the LGBT+ community and always ready to help. “I have a problem. A sexuality problem.”

Alex’s eyes widened and he hit himself on his head. “You’re not straight!” he said. “I should’ve known!” He snapped his fingers. “Madison, huh? You have a crush on him?”

“Yes,” Thomas said. “No. I don’t know!” He sighed. “I’m just really confused. I thought I was straight?”

“Okay,” Alex said, thinking. It was really remarkable who quickly his emotions changed, because now he was acting genuinely curious about Thomas’s problem and, as much as Thomas hated to admit it, acting _nice_. “So have most of your crushes been with girls?”

“I don’t have a lot of crushes,” Thomas admitted, feeling awkward. He guess he had signed up to talk about _feelings_. “The only two are Sally Hemings and Angelica Schuyler. Both were my friends beforehand. Other than that...nothing.”

“Huh,” Alex said. “You could be demi,” he suggested.

“Demi?” Thomas asked.

“Demiromantic,” Alex clarified. “You only feel romantic attraction after forming close bonds to someone. Or you could simply be grey-romantic and feel romantic attraction at rare times.”

“That...makes sense,” Thomas said. “I’ve never heard of that before. I’m still not sure though,” he confessed.

Alex shrugged. “That’s okay too,” he said. “I used to think I was straight, then I thought I was gay, and finally I settled on bisexual. You don’t need to know immediately.”

“But--” Thomas started and Alex stopped him. 

“Thomas,” he said. “You like James, right? You’re sure of it?”

“More than sure.” 

Alex smiled. “Than that’s all that really matters right now. You go talk to him while I”--he pulled his laptop close to him--”email you a shit ton of links about sexualities. You’ll figure it out someday. There’s no rush.”

“Thanks, Alex,” Thomas said sincerely. “I didn’t think you’d help me with this.”

“Blackmail,” Alex said offhandedly. “The first time you ever came to _me_ for help.” He paused. “But, really, it was no problem. I’m here anytime.”

Thomas moved to leave, but Alex caught his hands before he could.

“Oh, and Thomas?” he asked. “I’m going to _crush_ you in next week’s debate.”

“Just try it,” Thomas replied, turning away. Already, his mind was whirring of the next possible way to destroy Alexander Hamilton, but right now he had more important issues.

Finding James Madison.

**Thomas: __** _where are you? ___

**James: __**_just left our dorm. Right outside it. why? ___

**Thomas: __**_DONT MOVE ___

**James: __**_???? ___

James was standing in front of the dorms, looking confusedly at his phone. “James!” Thomas called and James looked up and smiled and Thomas’s breath caught in his throat.

“Hey, Thomas,” he said, waving. “Are you finished with whatever you were doing?”

Was there bitterness in his voice? Thomas couldn’t tell. “James,” he said. “I need to tell you something. Like, now.”

James frowned, looking at Thomas somewhat worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“Yes! No!” Thomas pushed his hair back from out of his face. “James!”

“I’m right here, Thomas,” James said patiently.

“I--” Thomas took a deep breath. He was actually going to do it. Right here, right now, with no backing out. “I like you,” he said in a rush. “I didn’t notice at first...I didn’t even notice I wasn’t _straight_ at first, but...I like you.”

James’s mouth hung open. He seemed at loss for words and unable to respond and _shit shit shit he fucked up_

“As friends!” Thomas backtracked, holding up his hands. “I like you in a platonic way! Best friends forever, bros for life, _completely platonic._ ” He tried for a shaky smile, knowing very well that James could see right through him.

“Thomas,” James said. “Shut. Up.”

And, oh, then he was grabbing Thomas’s hands and pulling him down and kissing him softly and gently on the lips just once before drawing back.

“What,” Thomas said breathlessly (because that one small kiss was enough to knock the air out of his lungs), slack-jawed and staring at James.

James had a tiny smile on his face. “I like you too, you idiot,” he said affectionately. “Took you long enough.”

“You liked me all this time?” Thomas asked and James nodded. 

“We wasted so much time,” Thomas murmured, shaking his head. He snapped his fingers, James jumping slightly at the noise. “I, Thomas Jefferson,” he said, grabbing James’s wrist and tugging him forward. “Am going to take you out on the _best_ , most _amazing_ date in the _world_.” He grinned at James, who smiled shyly back.

“You just found out that you loved me?” James asked, moving their hands so they were interlocked. “After all this time?”

“Well…” Thomas paused, slowing down to bring James’s hand up to his mouth and kiss it, smiling at the blush it elicited. “I think I always knew.”


End file.
